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Something I found quite interesting when I visit China is that a lot of people think foreigners are automatically rich, and if you’re a Chinese expatriate people would think you’re loaded, too. When I am immersed in that environment sometimes I do feel I am wealthy and I tend to spend more money than I should. The exchange rate makes me feel rich in a mathematical manner, and I don’t calculate the prices to US dollars extremely accurately every time I buy something. As a coworker of mine says it, “it feels like I am spending monopoly money in China and I could buy so much more!”. Here are some of my stories about this phenomenon.

The first time I went back to China was in 1999. This was a full seven years after I left my home country and I was sixteen. I remember that my mom told me to not tell people that I am from America because they will try to rip me off. When we went back home we did some shopping, and we were buying quite a bit of stuff and the vendor was quite puzzled. She said to us, “you’re not Yangzhouese are you?” (Yangzhou is the city I am from, the birthplace of Yangzhou/Yangchow fried rice). We both knew the merchant was an out of towner because she had an accent of another dialect. So my mom replied in fluent Yangzhouese, “can’t your tell by the way we speak that we’re really Yangzhouese? You’re the out of towner!” I thought it was funny that the way we spent money in our hometown marked us as tourists, and yet we had the essence of the locals because of our language.

The next time we went to China was 2006. China change so much in seven years and everything became much more expensive and the dollar has declined against the yuan, but this time we went with a tour group. We were inexperienced tourists and every time we were brought to a tourist trap shop we bought something. In Beijing my mom gave into sales pressure and bought a little statue for way more than it’s worth. She still blames us for letting her buy it today. I guess the problem is that this time they knew we were from America, and gave us the “special” high prices in the designated stores. The excitement of being back in China and having fun really got to us on that trip, and we went a bit overboard. Then again, I felt like I was supporting the economy of my homeland, and it wasn’t a bad thing.

The last time I went to China was shortly before I got married this year. My mother and I toured some of the most beautiful and remote places in China and I could write a lot more about this later. The people in these distant lands were so simple and beautiful and we bought a lot less things this time, but we were mostly happy with our finds. Then after the tour we went back home to Yangzhou and had dinner with friends and family. Of course my grandparents have told everyone how much money I make because they are proud of it. People were impressed because they always multiply the income by the exchange rate, and they don’t realize that we have fairly heavy income taxes and a high cost of living here. (in China there is still no income tax at this moment) It felt good to invite everyone to a very nice restaurant and pay for it out of my pocket because I am able to do it. Again, that feeling of being rich crept up.

It is dangerous to feel rich when you travel abroad to any country that has a currency that’s cheaper than the dollar because you can end up spending a lot and you will be noticed. It is better to lay low sometimes so you don’t get robbed or scammed. Additionally, I think what is worse is to feel superior to the people who have less than us. The next time I go back to China I will be with my hubby, and I will keep on reminding myself the reality of our life. We are not internet tycoons and we live a comfortable life, but we still need to be responsible with our money no matter which country we are in. It is so easy to get lost in the surreal surroundings of a foreign land and there is nothing wrong with having some fun, but just remember to count your blessings, and your spending.

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During a recent lunch with my coworkers we discussed marriage and two guys voiced their opposition to the institution of marriage. They weren’t against the concept of being monogamous at all. One man said that he doesn’t like the fact that he has to register his marriage with the government. He really doesn’t mind having a longterm commitment to one woman and he isn’t against having a ceremony declaring his current live-in girlfriend as his wife, but he feels that it’s ridiculous that the government has to get into a private union such as marriage and charge additional taxes. Another man said that he doesn’t like the fact marriage has historically been a business deal where a woman becomes the property of a man. He says that marriage is still very much about the ownership of property and he just thinks it’s a really archaic custom where two people join to increase their wealth.

I think they both had valid points. Marriage is an economic union no matter how we slice it. In many cultures it is customary to marry someone in the same economic standing as you are. In China the saying for the compatibility of economic stature is “meng dang hu dui”, which literally translates to “the suitable door and the matching household”. In Arab countries it is also common for cousins to marry each other in order to keep wealth within the same family. I think in America it is more of an unspoken rule , but for the most part couples I know do come from fairly similar economic backgrounds. If one partner happens to be a lot poorer than the other they may be labeled as a “golddigger” or “mooch”.

Disregarding arranged marriages, I think one of the main reasons we tend to end up with people in our own economic echelon is that these people usually live in the same neighborhoods, have similar educational backgrounds, and have common social circles. Also, when two people get married it’s easier to adapt to a lifestyle that is familiar to both of them so having similar economic backgrounds is actually a good thing for a marriage. So in most cases where we marry laterally we have an economic union that is a partnership or merger of sorts. In such a marriage the two parties have equal economic clout in the household.

In cases where one person “marries up” to another, the economic dynamics is more like a buyout. Basically the partner with more money could hold more power over the less financially endowed partner. As my coworker said, oftentimes women were treated like property in a marriage and it still happens today in many countries because women in those are forbidden to work and earn income.

I think in both cases there are problems and compromises have to be made for any marriage to work. In the case where two people are fairly equal in wealth and income there may be too much independence. Since a marriage is about combining two lives together into one the combining of spending and finances may be an issue of contention. I think the hubby and I have it figured out mostly. In the case where one person has no income or very little income the other partner may have too much power, and when that partner abuses that power there would be major problems in the relationship. Millionaire Mommy Next Door had an entire article about economic abuse and unfortunately a lot of people are in these relationships where the person who brings home the bacon asserts his/her power with money. On the flipside of the coin, sometimes the person who earns money isn’t necessarily an abuser, but is just fed up with being a provider and becomes resentful. That is why there are sites like NoMarriage.com where men who feel trapped go to rant about their lives. However, I think these financially imbalanced marriages can work well if both partners appreciate each other more for what they do. A lot of stay at home partners do a lot of things around the household to improve the lives of the whole family, and that is work too. As long as both people recognize each other for what they do and care about money a bit less then it should work out.

Since a marriage is a very long relationship sometimes one partner’s financial situation changes so much that they’re no longer equals, or the person who married up suddenly started to earn more money than the other. In these cases there are problems because money can change people. In the case of Gary Wendt the CEO of GE, the couple started out with nothing, but his wife managed to help him get through Harvard Business School and then quit her job after he became an executive. Their marriage ended in a very public divorce where his exwife Lorna battled for half of his fortune. It is very unfortunate that these types of divorces happen over and over again.

Money issues is the number one reason couples divorce each other, so it’s best to figure out what kind of economic relationship you have with your mate before you get married. If you are already married having open and honest talks about your concerns with each other also helps a lot. I am still a newlywed but I hope that money will not change my hubby and I. So what sort of economic union do you have? A merger in progress or a total buyout? Are you a victim of economic abuse or are you a resentful provider?

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So my hubby and I just finished watching Beauty and the Geek Season 4. This is one of my guilty pleasure shows and it’s about a bunch of socially inept geeks and a crowd of gorgeous people working together to change themselves. The winners are supposed to be the couple that went through the largest transformation. This season one of my husband’s college classmates was on it. At first he would laugh at me when I watch the show and then he saw the lone female geek Nicole Morgan and said, “wait a minute, she looks like my friend Niky”. Then I looked up her bio and indeed she really is my hubby’s former classmate. It was quite amusing when he pulled out his Caltech yearbook and found Nicole’s picture and then commented, “they made her geekier looking for the show.” Since then he has rooted for Nicole to win, but unfortunate the final winner was determined by a vote and I think Nicole’s partner Sam was not very popular with the voting audiences so they lost as a team. The prize is $250,000 split between a couple, and as the host announced the prize he said, “a couple’s life is about to change!” My hubby and I both said along the lines of, “that’s not enough money to change their lives!” So after the show I thought about how much money people would need to change their lives. I thought about the events that defined the state of my life, and perhaps I was wrong to say that half of $250,000 can’t change someone’s life. Here are some ways someone’s life could change and their associated costs.

1. Get an education – $125,000 is enough for someone to go to college and get a degree that propels them into a good career. Or it could be used for a professional degree or vocational training that could be used to start a new life.

2. Pay off debts — I think $125,000 can make a big dent in most people’s debt. I truly believe that being free of debt that continually drains you is a good thing that can change people’s lives.

3. Get married -- Previously, I wrote about how much a wedding costs these days. Nevertheless I think it’s important to have a wedding without going into debt. Marriage is absolutely life changing.

4. Have a child — One of my friend is pregnant right now and another one had a baby about 1.5 years ago. The process of raising a child could cost up to a million dollars, but every mommy I have met say that having a child changed their perspective on life.

5. Donate – I sincerely hope that donating a bit of money or items every month or year changes someone’s life out there. A small donation of $20 can buy a flock of chicks for a family in need and feed malnourished children. It really doesn’t take much to change someone’s life by giving.

Everyone’s circumstance is different, but the important thing to remember is how we use our money. We don’t necessarily need millions to change our lives, but we need to be open to change and be willing to direct our resources towards improving our lives. I hope the winners of Beauty and the Geek will use their windfall wisely, and truly change themselves and the world.

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We’re heading into the winter doldrums of real estate and these two weeks I examined 218 properties that were up for sale in San Mateo County. Of these, 28 qualify as home sellers in trouble. Here are some highlights. Continue reading →

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This is something that has confounded and annoyed me for months if not years. Basically, buying a home always has a moniker in the media as “The American Dream”. This is actually one of the main selling point of the realtors and home builders when they try to sell to first time buyers. I really don’t understand why having a giant load of debt is considered desirable and why it should be a “dream”. So I researched the term “American Dream”, and found that it was defined in a history book by James Truslow Adams entitled The Epic of America (1931). The book states, “If, as I have said, the things already listed were all we had to contribute, America would have made no distinctive and unique gift to mankind. But there has been also the American dream, that dream of a land in which life should be better and richer and fuller for every man, with opportunity for each according to his ability or achievement.” (p. 404). So why is the phrase “American Dream” now synonymous with being a home-debtor?

Maybe I am just not American enough and don’t understand this madness, but it seems that the “American Dream” has been twisted through the years to mean bigger homes, more expensive cars, and better electronics. It has become a marketing ploy for people to dive into materialism and lost most of its original sense of hope and goodness. I could see how owning a home could be a facet of the “American Dream” when a house represents the culmination of the owner’s hard work, but when that home is financed entirely by debt it contains nothing of the buyer’s efforts. When people buy things on credit and slip further and further into debt they’re not living “The American Dream”. Instead, I think they’re living what I would call an “American Delusion”, and eventually it spirals into the “American Nightmare” if they can no longer handle their debt obligations.

I think the modern American Dream as we know it is a lie. It’s purely a slogan for the credit card companies to spur on spending, or a line for politicians to garnish their speeches. As an immigrant I still hold on to a tiny piece of what the original dream is. I don’t think it’s about consumerism or materialism. It’s about getting a fair chance to achieve success through patience and hard work. It’s about building up a better life in a place where opportunities are abundant and available to anyone. The Dream is an ideal that can’t be bought, but unfortunately it has devolved into instant gratification and debt.

As I write this article a song is playing in my head and it accurately describes how I feel about America and the reality of the American Dream as it is now and I will share a little of it here:
Flirtin’ With Disaster — Molly Hatchet

I'm travelin' down the road,I'm flirtin' with disaster.

I've got the pedal to the floor,

My life is running faster.

I'm out of money, I'm out of hope,

It looks like self destruction.

Well how much more can we take,

With all of this corruption.Been flirtin' with disaster,

Ya'll know what I mean.

And the way we run our lives,

It makes no sense to me.

I don't know about yourself or,

What you want to be - YEAH.

When we gamble with our time,

We choose our destiny.

Chorus:

I'm travelin' down that lonesome road.

Feel like I'm dragging a heavy load.

Yeah! I've tried to turn my head away,

Feels about the same most every day.

I hope you’re not dragging a heavy load and flirtin’ with disaster, but I would like to know what your definition of the American Dream is. Are you living it right now? Are you as disturbed as me that the America we live in today portrays the quintessence of the American Dream as consumerism and materialism?

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If you absolutely have to borrow loans, never even go for something like unsecured loans. They don’t take much time in becoming bad credit loans and then you will suffer from bad debt deductions too.

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