Entries Tagged 'Marriage' ↓

Okay obviously this post is a bit late for Thanksgiving, but I had a good time with my family and ate a lot of food last weekend.  Lately I haven’t been blogging much just because a lot of random things are happening.  I am swamped with real life so to speak.  While I have had time to sit down and write I did not have much to say so I didn’t write much.  So anyway, it’s December again, and it’s almost Christmas and the news is full of gloom of doom. I think to get away from all the depressing news I need to write down all the things I am thankful for.

First, I am very thankful for my family and friends.  I am just happy to be loved.   This year I am also grateful that I got to see my elderly grandparents in China.  They are a hilarious couple and I may write a story or two about them later.  If you want to read a little bit about them my hubby wrote a little here.

Second, I am very thankful that my entire family still have jobs amidst the massive layoffs in November. My hubby is in the video game industry and apparently this industry is also pretty recession proof.  In fact, his company is still hiring people for new projects.  As long as we have a steady stream of income we should be able to ride out this recession without too much of a problem.

Third, I think a lot of people are thankful for this one – prices are going down on gas and food!  Actually the price of gasoline is $1.75 a gallon now on my street and that means my hubby and I would save around $100 a month on gas.  I have not seen those prices for gas for about 5 years.  I noticed that milk and bread also got a little bit cheaper and it is expected that food prices would come down a bit more.  This is definitely good news for people who need a little financial relief though some economists are worried about deflation, but that’s another story entirely.

Next,  I am happy that my sister in law is getting married.  I don’t talk to her all that much because she lives about 500 miles away, but she’s getting married in two weeks and that’s pretty exciting.  The hubby will be a groomsman and look all sharp.  She picked a very expensive tux rental and that annoyed me and my mother in law a little bit, but that’s just because we want to save money.  My father in law and hubby should look pretty good though.

Also,  I am thankful that my hubby and I got to go on vacation and  various weekend trips in the past year.  Okay, this is actually a story about my grandparents.  When we were  in my grandparents’ condo, my grandmother kept on telling me that I am so lucky that my husband is willing to travel with me.  Then she went on and complained that my grandfather was so cheap that he never took her traveling in their 54 years of marriage and now they are too old to go places.   My parents always say that I am frugal like my grandfather, but I am not that cheap!  I think there really needs to be a balance between hoarding your money and wasting your money and there is no point in hoarding your money senselessly because in the end you really can’t take it with you.

Finally, all of these things are gifts from God so all the thanks goes to Him.  I know that I have a lot more than most people in this world and I don’t take it lightly.  Everyday is truly a gift.

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Today I read an excellent article called The Key to Wedded Bliss? Money Matters.  The author pointed out several things married couples could do to improve their relationships with themselves and their money.  I should summarize them here with my personal experience.

Talk and share goals – The hubby and I are pretty different in terms of our money management, but I think I am converting him into a saver.  We have talked quite a bit about retirement and having kids, and we generally agree with each other about what we want in the future.  Communication is definitely important in a marriage.

Run a home like a business -  I keep a running spreadsheet of our incomes and expenses for each month and give the hubby a report at the end of every month just to let him know how we are doing.  This has worked fairly well for the past year.

Be supportive of careers – We are very supportive of each other’s careers right now.  We both have pretty good jobs as engineers.  If either of us had a great job opportunity elsewhere I think we would both be okay with a move. 

Enjoy, but within reason - We spend our fun money mostly on food and vacations.  The hubby also loves games and gadgets.  As I wrote over a year ago, we started a budget where 2% of our income goes to entertainment.  That has worked out quite well and we still have a surplus in the entertainment fund.  As I wrote in my Wise Bread article from yesterday, there needs to be a balance between pleasure spending and saving, and I think we are doing fairly well. 

Use a mediator – Fortunately, the hubby and I haven’t really had fights about money, but we’d probably use our parents as mediators if we did have some unlikely scuffle.

Maintain some independence -  Both the hubby and I have credit cards, bank accounts, and investment accounts under our own names.  We also have a joint checking and investment account.  This is important because I think we should maintain our own credit histories. Also, we can’t have joint retirement accounts anyway.   So even though we are married I think we are both pretty financially independent.

Invest in your marriage - The hubby and I spend A LOT of time together when we are not working.  Sometimes it feels like too much, but that may change when we have kids.  We are definitely not workaholics and we like playing games and watching TV together quite a bit. 

Since many couples split up because of financial issues,  I feel that money management is an extremely important part of a healthy marriage. However, love and respect needs to come first before a couple can compromise on their money.  For example, I know that the hubby made a lot of concessions on the things he wanted to buy in the past year because he loves me and respects my saving ways. He also started to use coupons, FatWallet and subscribed to SlickDeals on his own (I am really proud of him).   On the other hand, I have also made compromises with the hubby and enjoyed spending more money and time with him.   He acknowledged that I am not as cheap as before.   Marriage is about becoming one single unit, and our attitudes toward money simply manifested how we balance each other.   I am having more fun with the hubby and  he’s glad that I am dealing  with the finances he  dislikes so it is a win-win situation.  So finally, I’d like to say that money management skills are able to be acquired, and if a couple really wants to fix their finances together then they can definitely do it, but if a couple do not care for each other enough to manage their money in a positive way together, then that may not be so easy to fix.  So my conclusion is that money management is much much easier than marriage management, and there is no reason not to tackle it first.

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Some of my friends have asked me things along the lines of, “aren’t Christian women supposed to be stay at home moms?” I have never really been taught this idea in the churches I have gone to, but I know some Christian groups do  support the idea that Christian women should not work for a living and the man of the house should be the one bring home the bacon. So is it wrong for Christian women to earn money outside of the home? Well, ultimately I think the Bible should answer everyone’s questions on this issue.

The book of Proverbs ends with an acrostic poem describing a virtuous wife. This is actually a very long section focused on one single topic, and that’s pretty different from the rest of the book where various short phrases of wisdom are written in sequence. It begins with, “An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels(rubies).” Prov 31:10. Then it goes on to describe the various things a good wife does, and interestingly enough a lot of things she does are related to business and finance. Here is what I read:

She invests in real estate - “She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard” Prov 31:16

She sells the goods she produces – First she produces: “She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands.” Prov 31:13 Also later in the passage she sells the goods: “She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night.” Prov 31:18 “She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant.” Prov 31:24

She is generous in giving – “She opens her hand to the poor, and reaches out her hands to the needy.” Prov 31:20

She is prepared – “She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet.” Prov 31:21 “Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.” Prov 31:25 I think both of these verses show that she is prepared for the things to come, and I think that being prepared for snow implies that the good wife is financially prepared for a non-fruitful season.

She is watchful – “She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. ” Prov 31:27 I think this verse conveys the message that a good wife is not lazy, and she is very aware of what’s going on in her family. Finances is a big part of family affairs, and a wife that knows what’s going on with a household’s money would be much better prepared for disasters.

She diligently provides for her family - “She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.” Prov 31:14-15

She fears the lord – This is the final point of the passage. “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.” Prov 31:30

So from this book, I think it is fairly clear that a Christian woman is never required to be a stay at home mom and in a way the Bible actually encourages a wife to earn income and provide for her family. In my church there are all types of families. There are dual income families, and there are stay at home moms, and there is a pretty cool stay at home dad, too. Everyone knows that the guy is a stay at home dad and he was given a rose for Mother’s day. I think all of these family structures are totally acceptable as long as both people in the marriage agree with it and they trust each other and God enough to make it work.

I hope this post clarified the position of the Bible on women and working for income. I think that all women should be independently enough so that their husbands would not have have to worry about them very much. Finally, I believe that Christianity is a religion that gives women a lot of freedom compared to many other religions. We can choose to be a stay at home wife, or work outside the home. We do not have to hide ourselves and we can honor God in our own way. That is liberating.

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The hubby and I have been married for almost one year and we celebrated early in the past weekend.  The hubby booked a full moon kayaking trip in at the Beach House and also reserved us spots for Sunday brunch at Ritz Carlton Half Moon Bay.Since I planned his birthday weekend to Napa I let him plan this trip.  It is only fair.  This is my travelogue for this wonderful weekend.

Half Moon Bay is a coastal San Mateo city about 20 miles from where we live famous for the yearly Mavericks Surf Contest and the Pumpkin Festival where the worlds’ most enormous pumpkins compete.  We set out on Saturday morning and arrived in Half Moon Bay in about 30 minutes.  We stepped in a small local restaurnt called The Flying Fish Grill and got some lunch, and then we headed to our hotel.  Unfortunately, our room wasn’t ready yet so we went to Poplar Beach after checking out the kayaks at Pillar Point Harbor.  Poplar Beach is one of many public beaches along Half Moon Bay and it has a small free parking lot.  If you go to the main beach a block over it has a parking lot that charges a fee.  At Poplar Beach we spent about two hours looking for beach glass.  Before we got married we went to that beach once and I started looking for beach glass.  The hubby never heard of this before and said, “why are you picking up garbage?!” I explained to him that people collect beach glass for fun and make them into jewelry.  Then it turned into a bit of a competition and he helped me collect glass. Funnily enough we saw another couple collect glass, too, and the whole time the hubby was saying he couldn’t believe people liked garbage.   After we got home on that trip I made some of the glass into pendants and sold them for around $50 at a church craft fair.  So this time the hubby thought of looking for beach glass as a treasure hunt. After two hours of hunting, we found a small pocket full of browns, greens, and white pieces.  I also found a tiny cobalt blue piece and a quarter from 1965.

We returned to the hotel and took a bit of a nap since the kayaking event was at 7pm.  After waking up we walked down to Pillar Point Harbor again. Unfortunately, it was quite overcast so we were unable to see the full moon.   There were a group of about 10 people and we were instructed to put on many layers of stuff.  There is a jacket plus a skirt that stretches over the kayak and also a life jacket. The kayaks held two people and were a bit larger than the kayaks we used in Kauai.  The hubby sat in the back to steer and I was in front.  We paddled towards the breakwaters and we saw hundreds of pelicans and seagulls.  Some people paddled a bit too close to them and they flew towards us and plopped in the water.  Some of the pelicans were still shedding their baby furry feathers.  A couple harbor seals also popped out their heads above the water.

After paddling for more than an hour, we cleared the last breakwater and we were in the open ocean.  The sea was quite calm and the waves bobbed the kayaks slightly.  It was quite dark and the glow sticks on our paddles indicated where the other kayaks were.  It was very quiet and we could hear people speak quite clearly.  We were only in the open ocean for a little while and then we headed back into the harbor.  On the way back we made a stop at Mavericks Beach. This is the beach where the annual death-defying Mavericks Surf Contest is held.  The spot where landed had several giant carved pumice stones.  The guide explained that they were monuments in remembrance of those who died surfing there.  It was quite dark so we couldn’t see much, but the guide explained that this was a dangerous place to surf.  The waves could reach more than 25 feet during the winter and there are sharks in the waters.

We left the beach and headed towards the harbor.  It was getting quite dark, but with every paddle a plume of green light glowed in the water.  I have seen this before at Stinson Beach so I knew that it was a kind of microorganism that glows when you disturb them.  I tried to get the hubby to look at the glow but he thought that they were bubbles and I couldn’t quite convince him that something in the water is giving off light.  Finally one of the guides said, “I love this bioluminescent stuff!”  Then I said that my hubby doesn’t see it and other people started to paddle to show him.  Then he sort of believed that the green glow wasn’t just bubbles.  After three hours of paddling we landed back at the harbor and walked back to the hotel.  We were quite hungry and the hubby called the concierge to see if any restaurants were still open.  Apparently a Mexican place called Tres Amigos is open until midnight so we went there and filled our tummies.  Then we returned the hotel and fell asleep.

The next day, we ate a little bit of the complimentary breakfast at the hotel, and went back to our room to nap some more.  Finally we checked out and headed to Sunday brunch at the Ritz Carlton. The Sunday brunch at the Ritz Carlton’s Navio restaurant was beyond our expectations. First of all, we didn’t know that it was a buffet because the hubby booked it after seeing a review somewhere that said the Sunday brunch was good. I also didn’t know that the restaurant overlooked the greens of the golf course and the blue ocean.  There was a huge selection of foods all over the world including sushi, caviar, dimsum, and prime rib.  The  small appetizer sized dishes  were presented in the most delectable and appealing manner.  Our favorite was a small plate of roast duck breast served upon steamed bokchoy.  The dessert station was also amazing.  There were half a dozen types of chocolate truffles and fruits and many beautifully presented tiny desserts.  I heard one man there say, “I want to take this to our table and just look at it!”  There was also a dessert with gold flakes on it and I laughed a bit because the hubby joked about how pretentious people who eat gold are.  Anyway, I took about six or seven desserts and just indulged in the decadence.  After four plates of culinary delight, we couldn’t eat anymore, but we really wanted more.  The funny thing is that I had a dream a couple weeks prior about an extremely fancy buffet with chocolate truffles and meats.  I told the hubby, “this is the buffet of my dreams!” and we sat there laughing like idiots for a bit.

After the food we walked to the back of the hotel and followed a path down to the beach.  The beach is public so you don’t have to be a hotel guest to go there. The beach was extremely small and we combed it for about an hour for beach glass.  Unfortunately, all the pieces we found were quite small.  The hubby said to keep them anyway because he wants to fill a spaghetti jar with sea glass.  We were quite tired after that and walked back to the valet for our car.  This is where the hubby remarked, “why is every car here so expensive looking?”  Indeed, all the cars parked in front of the hotel were Mercedes, BMWs, and such.  Then we saw a Toyota van pull up and I realized that they park the cheaper cars at the larger parking lot.  So I said, “see not everyone here drives an expensive car, they just park the most expensive looking ones in front!”   I guess the Ritz needs to look ritzy, but we definitely had a great time there without the need to look rich.

So that’s my weekend of adventure and gluttony.  It’s great to get away from computers for a while to bond with the hubby and the great outdoors.  It certainly wasn’t cheap, but it was completely worth it and I hope we can do it more often.

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Today the hubby and I once again discussed the idea of having one of us stay at home when we have a kid. I have researched the costs of daycare in San Mateo and it is very expensive. We can definitely afford it but from what I read many infant care facilities are not only expensive, but have extremely long waiting lists. One of the Wise Bread writers I met last week used to live in Redwood City and she said that she signed up to be on the wait list of one of the daycares with a better reputation while she was pregnant and she got a call back when her daughter was two! That’s pretty crazy and makes me want to put myself on the list right now. Anyway, the hubby expressed interest in being a stay at home dad before, and I asked him about it again.

Financially, my income is still above the San Mateo median if we became an one income family. I used our actual incomes and plugged it into this second income calculator at MSN money. According to the calculator if we lose my hubby’s income but he takes care of our kid we would lose about $12500 a year and that doesn’t seem like all that much. The hubby makes a decent income as a game programmer, but we are taxed quite a bit on that second income so the biggest savings we get is on taxes. I plugged in daycare costs at $1200 a month, but that’s actually a pretty low estimate because apparently Google employees will be shelling out $2500 a month for their top of the line on campus daycare. I consider my hubby to be a top of the line caretaker considering his intelligence and attentiveness towards kids so when I plug in $2500 a month for daycare obviously we come out ahead by having the hubby stay at home. Additionally, right now the hubby commutes about 50 miles a day to and from work so we will save a few hundred a month on gas. If I were to stay home, we would lose more money because my base salary is about 12% higher than the hubby’s and I have been getting bigger raises than the hubby just because the type of companies I work for pay more. If the hubby stayed in enterprise software he would be making more money than me right now because he has one more year of experience and he graduated from an elite school. However, he is in games right now and every software engineer knows that you work in games for love and not money.

The main issue is that I am afraid that the hubby would not want to give up his career, but he said that he really would love to be a stay at home at dad. He thinks that he would have a lot of free time for his own projects because he always wanted to make his own games. He also has tons of movies he would like to watch, dozens of books he wants to read, and so much stuff he wants to learn. Additionally, he just loves babies. Then I asked him if he would be lonely, and he said that he could just hang out with all the other stay at home parents he knows. We do know a stay at home dad from church with three kids and several stay at home moms that are our friends. Besides that, one of the hubby’s best friends has a work schedule where he gets home in the early afternoon so they could hang out. In terms of jobs, it is also generally easier for a man to get back to a career after taking a little hiatus. If he really uses his time to create games on his own then he would be even more attractive to future employers., or if he really makes great games he could sell them on the internet by himself.

Anyway, this is all hypothetical because we don’t have kids yet, but it is good to know that the hubby wouldn’t mind being a stay at home parent. I have read many blog posts by women whose husbands tried out the stay at home thing and got ridiculously bored and went back to work, but I guess it’s mostly because they didn’t have any projects of their own. I am not too worried about the hubby having nothing to entertain himself with because he has a ton of games he hasn’t started playing yet and he is one of those nerds that could just sit there and think for hours for fun. The hubby wants to finish the game at his workplace first, and then we may work on actually trying to having a kid and this stay at home dad thing may actually happen.

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