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This is a continuation of my family’s immigration story. If you have missed the first three posts they are here:
Fifteen Years in America — An Introduction
Fifteen Years in America - Chapter 1: The Struggle Before the Reunion by Jian (Part 1)
Fifteen Years in America - Chapter 1: The Struggle Before the Reunion by Jian (Part 2)
Fifteen Years in America - Chapter 1: The Struggle Before the Reunion by Jian (Part 3)
Enjoy!

The plane landed at Tokyo International Airport for a transfer, and then flew directly to Honolulu International Airport. We left Shanghai on the morning of August 15th, but because of the time difference we landed in Honolulu in the afternoon of August 15th after flying for fourteen hours. The reunion of our family on August 15th has finally arrived! At the airport, we saw Helen, the person we have been missing day and night for over a year. She was wearing a sky blue dress decorated with large pink flowers that my old classmate An Lang’s wife made for her. Because Hawaii’s sun, she was tanned, and she seemed a bit slimmer than I last saw her, but she was quite energetic. When she saw us she hugged our daughter tight and repeated over and over, “Xin-head, mommy missed you so much! Mommy missed you so much! Do you miss mommy?” Xin nodded her head, but she was really thinking of her new Game Boy.

When we exited the airport, Helen’s landlady Lory drove our entire family onto the highway with her Mazda. For the first time I saw a highway several lanes wide with cars flying through it. It is a scene I have only seen in movies, and it finally hit me that I was in an unfamiliar country. Even though this was Hawaii, one of the famed scenic spots in the world, I did not have the appetite to enjoy the scenery. When we arrived at Lory’s home, Helen took us to a nearby McDonalds for a meal. It was Xin’s first time eating at McDonalds, and she enjoyed it very much, but I was not used to eating raw vegetables between bread. More importantly, I thought about how I had no way to go back, and I did not know what lies ahead, and I wondered how I was going to survive.

Now, I must give everyone a few basic facts about Hawaii. Hawaii is a group of islands including the four main islands of Hawaii (also known as the Big Island because it has the largest area), O’ahu, Maui, and Kauai. Additionally there are hundreds of smaller atolls and islands. Honolulu is the state capital of Hawaii, and it is on O’ahu. At that time Honolulu had over 800,000 inhabitants. Hawaii is the 50th state of the United States, and it is also the last state to enter the union in year 1959. Hawaii has three main industries in its economy: tourism, tropical agriculture, and the United States military.  When I arrived in Hawaii, it was in the midst of a serious recession.  Since the Cold War  just ended, America reduced its troops in Hawaii and that caused quite a bit of unemployment.  Additionally, because of the rising costs of agricultural wages in Hawaii and the increase supply of tropical fruits from South America, the competitiveness of Hawaiian agricultural products was drastically falling.  Even though at the beginning of the 90s Japan’s economy was weakening, the Japanese yen was still quite strong against the dollar.  Almost half of the tourists that came to Hawaii were Japanese, and thus most of Hawaii’s economy was supported by tourism.

Since our entire family arrived in Hawaii, we were not able to fit in Lory’s home.  However, a friend from school introduced Helen to another live in situation.  This time, we were to live with a 93 year old  Chinese lady.  We called her “popo”, which means grandma in Chinese.  She had a huge house near the foot of Diamond Head.  Popo came to Hawaii as a child bride in the early 1900s.  Her husband died quite early, and she worked as a housekeeper and raised five children by herself.  Two of her children are engineers, one is a shop keeper, one is a real estate agent, and another is a teacher.  Popo had a bad temper, and often yelled at her children.  Even though her children were very filial, they were also terrified by her.  Even though she had quite a full house of descendants, none of them wanted to live with her.  She gave our family a very large bedroom and did not charge us rent.  In exchange, we cleaned the house and maintained the yard.  When we cooked dinner we also shared food with her.  Thus we were able to settle down in Hawaii.

Stay tuned for chapter 2!!  

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This is a continuation of my family’s immigration story. If you have missed the first three posts they are here:
Fifteen Years in America — An Introduction
Fifteen Years in America - Chapter 1: The Struggle Before the Reunion by Jian (Part 1)
Fifteen Years in America - Chapter 1: The Struggle Before the Reunion by Jian (Part 2)
Enjoy!

We did not receive our visa. I relayed the bad news to Helen via mail. She knew that the main reason we failed to be approved was her economic situation. The American Consulate did not believe that Helen could support an entire family in an expensive place like Hawaii with her part time job. Helen felt that she already put in a lot of effort but still failed, and she was disappointed, but she did not give up. She wrote to me and encouraged me to study English in the six months while she tries to get a better scholarship package. As I said before, there are not many grants given to humanities students and there is a small pool of money that is being eyed by many students. The competition is fierce and it is like a bunch of monks fighting for a little bit of porridge. In Helen’s department there are three full scholarships with stipend and they are all taken by other students. One of them was about to graduate and quite a few PhD candidates in the department were competing for this scholarship.

Because Helen was extremely diligent in her studies, her professors all liked her very much. Her graduate adviser is an Asian Theatre professor who has performed as Concubine Yang (Yang Guifei) in Beijing Operas in China. She definitely wanted Helen to get the scholarship and offered her support. Another important fact is that this particular scholarship was set up for the Kennedy Theatre’s costumes and stage department, where Helen happens to be working. Because of this, Helen had support from her professors and coworkers, and when the scholarship committee convened to bestow the last scholarship, Helen received the most votes. After the decision was made, Helen went to work as usual after attending class. Her boss Linda, also the director of the costume shop told Helen that she has been granted the department’s last full scholarship and stipend package. Later Helen wrote to me that she didn’t know whether she was excited or joyous, but she hugged Linda and cried out loud. With this grant, our family can be reunited! How difficult it was for Helen!

With the grant we had a chance of getting our visas. However, the stipend was only $1050 per month. Using the standards of Americans, this bit of money is barely enough for one person. Additionally, rent and other necessities in Hawaii are all more expensive than the mainland. Helen felt that once we arrive in America the living expenses may be suffocating.

Thus she started to look in the paper for a possible live in situation where a family would exchange rent for some household chores. Finally she found an advertisement for a live in situation with a handicapped woman. The deal is that the family of the handicapped woman is willing to provide a room free of charge, but Helen must live there and take care of the woman at night. Helen wanted to save rent money and thought that if she had to endure some hardship it doesn’t matter much. She thought that if she could save some money maybe I could go to school once I am in America. She went to the family for an interview and the family was delighted and hired her. So Helen said goodbye to Lory and Dane. Lory and Dane were hesitant to let her go because Dane loved spending time with Helen on Friday nights when she told stories and played games with him. Lory told Helen that it is very difficult to take care of a handicapped senior citizen, and if Helen can’t take it anymore then just give Lory a call.

Helen moved to the home of the handicapped lady. In the day time she would go to school and return home to take care of the lady at night. Since Helen has never taken care of a handicapped person before she did not know how hard it is. When Helen gets home she needed to help the lady clean her body. Then later at night the lady would incessantly call Helen to help her get water and go to the bathroom. When she gets her feces and urine all over her bed, Helen needed to clean it up. After two nights, Helen was exhausted, and did not have energy for school. Helen thought about the situation and figured that she couldn’t handle it any longer. So she called Lory and asked to be taken back. After this incident, everytime Helen thinks about it she would get a bit emotional.

Because of Helen’s tireless efforts, we got our visa and we were able to leave the country. At that time, the policy allowed us to keep our jobs for a while and visit our relatives in another country. However, the leaders of the university I worked for were qutie heartless, and believed that I should give up my position and apartment to visit my wife. (Our apartment was supplied by the school).I thought about how I started working at a steel factory at age 15, and then spent more than 10 years teaching in the university. I practically spent my entire life for the building of my country. Now I, a person who has been educated by the Communists and used to eating the “big pot of rice”* was forced to give up my job. I did not have any other skills and I was going to a country where I didn’t know the language. I was extremely angry. However, if I did not quit my job and give up the apartment, my employer was not willing to give approval for me and my daughter to leave the country. For Chinese people of this day and age, quitting a job is not a big deal, but at that time it was an end to everything I had. A common proverb says, ” a man’s tears should not be shed carelessly”. However, right before I left I really cried. I’m not sure the sadness in my tears was towards the helplessness I felt towards giving up everything, or towards the fear of an unknown world. The feelings I felt at that moment are really hard to describe with words.

For the reunion of our family, I resigned to my fate, and signed my name on the form to quit my job and give up our apartment. Now when I think about it, if the university didn’t cut off my job as my fallback plan, perhaps I wouldn’t have had the courage to survive in America and endure all the hardships. My situation reminded me of the battle technique described by Sima Qian in The Records of the Grand Historian (Shiji) where troops sank their own ships once they reached enemy territory so that they have no choice but to fight and “live after they are in the land of death”. Another quote I have read is that “hardship is the ladder to the improvement of life”. After I have had this experience, I truly understood what these writers meant.

To be continued…

Translator’s note: “big pot of rice” is a moniker given to how Chinese workers were paid regardless of how much work they did under the Communist government. Before we left China practically everyone was employed by the government and there was very little private industry. So basically everyone was eating the “big pot of rice”. China is no longer like this and a lot of people wish the “big pot of rice” could come back.

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Merry Christmas everyone!

Speaking of Christmas, I find it funny that one of the most popular icons of Christmas is Santa Claus. I always knew that the jolly fat man riding with reindeers and elves is not real since he did not exist in China when I was growing up. When I moved to America I was still a child, but I was old enough to know that any presents I received were given by my parents. I really thought that American kids are really gullible to believe that a rotund man would come down their chimneys like a cat burglar and drop glitzy packages of presents. Yet year after year the lie is perpetuated and millions of children are disappointed when they find out the truth. So today, I’d like to salute those who really make the grand operation known as Christmas joyous and possible.

First I’d like to thank all of the dedicated United States Postal workers and the employees of other package delivery operations such as UPS, FedEx, and DHL for working overtime and getting billions of packages delivered this holiday season. One of my friends is a supervisor at UPS and he has been leaving his pregnant wife home to go to work everyday at midnight. During the holiday season the volume of deliveries grow so much that these real people have to work more to bring you that new sweater or digital camera. If you know one of these hardworking men and women go ahead and thank them this holiday! My parents usually give something for the mail lady during Christmas and I think it’s a well deserved gift.

Next I’d like to thank all of the operations departments of retailers such as Amazon, or Walmart. These big retailers have amazing operations facilities that serves so many transactions during the holidays in order to bring holiday cheer. I remember that one of my classmates used to work at Amazon and she said that during Christmas their project was titled “Project Saving Christmas”. Basically they ensured that everything was shipped out on time.

Now you may say, stop right there Baglady! You’re cheering for consumerism and spending! Well, actually I am saluting the people that make giving presents possible and these unsung heroes are the closest thing to real Santa Clauses. It is unfortunate that Christmas has become such a commercial holiday, but I do believe that Christmas is a celebration of Christ’s birth and giving presents during Christmas is a symbol of the gift of life Christ has given us. There is nothing wrong with making someone happy by giving them a gift! So finally, I would like to thank God, for letting me be on this earth this Christmas with my friends and family, and ultimately God is the one that makes everyone’s Christmas possible.

Have a safe and wonderful day today everyone!

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During a recent lunch with my coworkers we discussed marriage and two guys voiced their opposition to the institution of marriage. They weren’t against the concept of being monogamous at all. One man said that he doesn’t like the fact that he has to register his marriage with the government. He really doesn’t mind having a longterm commitment to one woman and he isn’t against having a ceremony declaring his current live-in girlfriend as his wife, but he feels that it’s ridiculous that the government has to get into a private union such as marriage and charge additional taxes. Another man said that he doesn’t like the fact marriage has historically been a business deal where a woman becomes the property of a man. He says that marriage is still very much about the ownership of property and he just thinks it’s a really archaic custom where two people join to increase their wealth.

I think they both had valid points. Marriage is an economic union no matter how we slice it. In many cultures it is customary to marry someone in the same economic standing as you are. In China the saying for the compatibility of economic stature is “meng dang hu dui”, which literally translates to “the suitable door and the matching household”. In Arab countries it is also common for cousins to marry each other in order to keep wealth within the same family. I think in America it is more of an unspoken rule , but for the most part couples I know do come from fairly similar economic backgrounds. If one partner happens to be a lot poorer than the other they may be labeled as a “golddigger” or “mooch”.

Disregarding arranged marriages, I think one of the main reasons we tend to end up with people in our own economic echelon is that these people usually live in the same neighborhoods, have similar educational backgrounds, and have common social circles. Also, when two people get married it’s easier to adapt to a lifestyle that is familiar to both of them so having similar economic backgrounds is actually a good thing for a marriage. So in most cases where we marry laterally we have an economic union that is a partnership or merger of sorts. In such a marriage the two parties have equal economic clout in the household.

In cases where one person “marries up” to another, the economic dynamics is more like a buyout. Basically the partner with more money could hold more power over the less financially endowed partner. As my coworker said, oftentimes women were treated like property in a marriage and it still happens today in many countries because women in those are forbidden to work and earn income.

I think in both cases there are problems and compromises have to be made for any marriage to work. In the case where two people are fairly equal in wealth and income there may be too much independence. Since a marriage is about combining two lives together into one the combining of spending and finances may be an issue of contention. I think the hubby and I have it figured out mostly. In the case where one person has no income or very little income the other partner may have too much power, and when that partner abuses that power there would be major problems in the relationship. Millionaire Mommy Next Door had an entire article about economic abuse and unfortunately a lot of people are in these relationships where the person who brings home the bacon asserts his/her power with money. On the flipside of the coin, sometimes the person who earns money isn’t necessarily an abuser, but is just fed up with being a provider and becomes resentful. That is why there are sites like NoMarriage.com where men who feel trapped go to rant about their lives. However, I think these financially imbalanced marriages can work well if both partners appreciate each other more for what they do. A lot of stay at home partners do a lot of things around the household to improve the lives of the whole family, and that is work too. As long as both people recognize each other for what they do and care about money a bit less then it should work out.

Since a marriage is a very long relationship sometimes one partner’s financial situation changes so much that they’re no longer equals, or the person who married up suddenly started to earn more money than the other. In these cases there are problems because money can change people. In the case of Gary Wendt the CEO of GE, the couple started out with nothing, but his wife managed to help him get through Harvard Business School and then quit her job after he became an executive. Their marriage ended in a very public divorce where his exwife Lorna battled for half of his fortune. It is very unfortunate that these types of divorces happen over and over again.

Money issues is the number one reason couples divorce each other, so it’s best to figure out what kind of economic relationship you have with your mate before you get married. If you are already married having open and honest talks about your concerns with each other also helps a lot. I am still a newlywed but I hope that money will not change my hubby and I. So what sort of economic union do you have? A merger in progress or a total buyout? Are you a victim of economic abuse or are you a resentful provider?

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For the past few days my colleague’s sister has been missing. Her family tried very hard to find her and tonight I heard that a suspect has been arrested for her murder due to the investigative efforts of her brothers. Her body has not been found so perhaps there is a chance she is still out there, but the police has told her family that they believe the personal trainer in custody did murder her. I am just in a state of disbelief because this is just so senseless and even though I don’t know the victim I know her sister and how close their family is. All her siblings have taken time off from work in this search effort and I hate to see a tragic ending to this. We were all hoping that her sister just took a little vacation, but now that doesn’t seem to be the case.

This is a bizarre feeling I am having now because I just think of how many times I have read stories about murders in the paper and didn’t think too much about them. I guess it never affects you that much when the story doesn’t relate to you personally. It’s so weird to realize that all of these stories are real and it’s so horrifying to think that something like this could happen to anyone.

Anyway, I am still hoping that my colleague’s sister is still alive and there will be a happy Christmas reunion. I am still in shock because no one expected that anyone would want to cause harm to this woman. It’s also frightening to think that perhaps someone you know would want to kill you someday. Perhaps I sound sheltered by saying this because some people live in areas where violent crime is almost a way of life, but maybe that is why I am extremely affected by this event.

On the other side of the coin I find the Nguyen family’s bond and love to be amazing and encouraging. Her brothers investigated and found the abandoned car and the suspect for the police! A lot of people in this world go missing and no one even cares to look. I know my family would probably look for me and I am extremely blessed to have people who love me. I firmly believe that in the end good will always win over evil, because God is good.

I don’t know what more to say except to cherish those you love this holiday season, and the next, and for as long as your have them, because you never know what darkness could come and take them away.

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