Talk and share goals – The hubby and I are pretty different in terms of our money management, but I think I am converting him into a saver.  We have talked quite a bit about retirement and having kids, and we generally agree with each other about what we want in the future.  Communication is definitely important in a marriage.

Run a home like a business -  I keep a running spreadsheet of our incomes and expenses for each month and give the hubby a report at the end of every month just to let him know how we are doing.  This has worked fairly well for the past year.

Be supportive of careers – We are very supportive of each other’s careers right now.  We both have pretty good jobs as engineers.  If either of us had a great job opportunity elsewhere I think we would both be okay with a move. 

Enjoy, but within reason - We spend our fun money mostly on food and vacations.  The hubby also loves games and gadgets.  As I wrote over a year ago, we started a budget where 2% of our income goes to entertainment.  That has worked out quite well and we still have a surplus in the entertainment fund.  As I wrote in my Wise Bread article from yesterday, there needs to be a balance between pleasure spending and saving, and I think we are doing fairly well. 

Use a mediator – Fortunately, the hubby and I haven’t really had fights about money, but we’d probably use our parents as mediators if we did have some unlikely scuffle.

Maintain some independence -  Both the hubby and I have credit cards, bank accounts, and investment accounts under our own names.  We also have a joint checking and investment account.  This is important because I think we should maintain our own credit histories. Also, we can’t have joint retirement accounts anyway.   So even though we are married I think we are both pretty financially independent.

Invest in your marriage - The hubby and I spend A LOT of time together when we are not working.  Sometimes it feels like too much, but that may change when we have kids.  We are definitely not workaholics and we like playing games and watching TV together quite a bit. 

Since many couples split up because of financial issues,  I feel that money management is an extremely important part of a healthy marriage. However, love and respect needs to come first before a couple can compromise on their money.  For example, I know that the hubby made a lot of concessions on the things he wanted to buy in the past year because he loves me and respects my saving ways. He also started to use coupons, FatWallet and subscribed to SlickDeals on his own (I am really proud of him).   On the other hand, I have also made compromises with the hubby and enjoyed spending more money and time with him.   He acknowledged that I am not as cheap as before.   Marriage is about becoming one single unit, and our attitudes toward money simply manifested how we balance each other.   I am having more fun with the hubby and  he’s glad that I am dealing  with the finances he  dislikes so it is a win-win situation.  So finally, I’d like to say that money management skills are able to be acquired, and if a couple really wants to fix their finances together then they can definitely do it, but if a couple do not care for each other enough to manage their money in a positive way together, then that may not be so easy to fix.  So my conclusion is that money management is much much easier than marriage management, and there is no reason not to tackle it first.

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Quick “whats happening” update, then elaborate and pointless commentary in 5…4…3…2…

Since Bali, I’ve been bouncing around from Java to Lombok to Nusa Tenaggra, to Bali, to Java. These are all islands in Indonesia with their own culture and beauty and I was able to do many cool things and meet many cool folks.

Some points of interest include walking through the valley of the shadow of death to stare into a live volcano, surfing the crazy waves of Bali, going mano-a-komodo with a dragon, learning the ropes to breathe underwater and becoming a certified diver then having my first independent dive turn into a search-and-rescue mission. I am currently in a cute Java suburb of starfruit trees, green mountains, while teaching English to a local school. I leave for Singapore tomorrow, much to the chagrin of many lovable 10 year old kids.

Love works in funny ways. When seeking love, you look so hard that you seem to almost deceive yourself into falling for anyone. But then one day it happens. You just fall and you fall hard and it moves so quickly and works so beautifully you don’t have time to sit back and think about how it happened and take it all in.

I haven’t fallen in love, but that is how I imagine it to work. But I have taken to diving in a similar manner. The moment I stepped into the ocean water, I knew I loved her. When my tank ran out of air, it tore me up to leave her. When I got a new tank, I was jumping as fast as I can into the water to see her. And when I was with her, it was so much and so much more. It was beauty that I did not know existed, and it was always changing. Every time I think I scratched the surface to unraveling her, a new world of discovery opens up. Every moment was excitement, looking at her, around her, and in her. Is this not love?

I am a traveler at heart. Traveling is leaving a piece of your soul wherever you go. It is experiencing new things at a break-neck pace. At least thats what I think, I think. That is why diving is so amazing for us travelers. Most of our blue planet is covered with ocean. Most of the ocean is untouched and unknown to humans. There are new things and soul-receptories at every meter and every liter of the ocean.

When I breathed for the first time underwater, I was stepping onto a new planet, I was becoming a new species. And by doing so, a million curious eyes turned to me and said, “Hello, mister!” Clown fish looked up from their oceanic vegetation and did their “Finding Nemo” impression. Giant Turtles majestically soared above my head. Schools of Napoleon wrasses, the size of my torso swam in circles around me. Sharks zigzag around darting back and forth, making my heart skip a beat. Even an octopus decided to wriggle around on the floor and change colors before my very eyes. Schools of tiny fish swam in perfect synchronization. Seahorses jumped around. Tunas that could feed an army of sushi enthusiasts. Titan Trigger Fish, Stonefish, Lionfish, Scorpion fish, Bumphead Parrotfish. And the colors, just so many colors.

It’s just a different world. On land, humankind is at its apex. We’re basically reduced to two levels in the food chain: hairless apes, and everyone else. It’s a thrill to see one wild animal, even if we have to search for days. On the ocean floor, every species seem to be dealt a new hand. Everyone is equal, and we swim side by side along the coral reefs. I just cannot emphasize how teeming with life the ocean is. And the landscape of reefs, sandy dunes, ship wrecks, overgrown with underwater flower, seaweed forests hazed over by shimmering currents in the water – wow. Land just sucks in comparison. Oh, why am I forced to breathe oxygen?

Just about everything fits so well. When you are underwater, it is a relaxing venture – in fact overexertion causes you to lose oxygen. You’re required to relax! And then eating a lunch of fresh seafood that we bought in a boat-to-boat fisherman exchange, discussing what you saw – what a perfect complement to a dive day. Divers who meet other divers are instant friends. It only makes sense. You are required to dive with a buddy for safety. So, diving forces you to relax and make a new friend. I cannot think of what else actually forces you to do such a thing.

The ocean is sweet. You are looking not just to the left and right of you but above and below you. It seems like you are flying like Superman over an underwater Metropolis. There’s just nothing wrong with it at all. Except that it’s so damn expensive and you risk getting lost at sea fighting off sharks and Komodo Dragons.

The End, until my next update.

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Leaving San Mateo

In the winter of 1992, I received an acceptance letter from Kap’iolani Community College.  Since I was an international student, I did not qualify for the inexpensive in state tuition.  The rate for international students was more than $1000 per semester.  Registration was due on 1/13 and classes started on 1/18.  When I was about to start school, two events happened.  One was a good thing, and the other was not.

First let me explain the joyous event.  When Helen was in college during the late 1970s she was a translator for a group of American educators that visited China.  Because of this she met an elementary teacher from Pensacola, Florida named Betty.  Betty’s husband was a retired military man of the United States Air Force.  At that time Betty was more than 60 years old but she was extremely interested in China.  After she met Helen she was quite interested in Helen’s education and life.  They became penpals for many years.  Even after we were married they kept on writing each other.  After Xin was born Betty was quite interested in Xin’s growth and education.  Everytime Xin had a birthday she would send some books and gifts.  When Helen arrived in Hawaii, the person that came to pick her up from the airport was Betty’s good friend.

After Xin and I came to America, Betty wrote us a letter saying that she is preparing a surprise for Xin.  Right before Christmas we received a letter from Los Angeles from a woman named Lynn.  In the envelope there were three roundtrip tickets from Hawaii to LA and three tickets to Disneyland worth 56 dollars each.  The letter said that we were invited as guests of the Presbyterian Church to a Christmas in Los Angeles.  Later we found out that this was the surprise Betty was talking about.

This was our first Christmas in America.  Lynn had a Ford, and she drove us from the Los Angeles Airport to her home.  Lynn is also a elementary school teacher, and her husband is a professor at UCLA.  They have two children, one boy and one girl.  The boy is the older child and his name is John.  He just graduated from college and his major was English.  However, he joined a fishing company and worked on the oceans as a fisherman.  I heard from Lynn that being a fisherman is hard and dangerous work and the pay was not spectacular, but John was  young and wanted to broaden his experience.  His parents thought that it was a good idea and did not protest.  At that time, I honestly didn’t understand the mindset of American parents.  I always thought that when children graduate from college they should go to graduate school and join academia, and I would never allow my child to do such hard and dangerous work.  However, after being in America for a while I understood more of the American educational system.  I think perhaps this type of hard labor is a lesson   American parents hope that their children could learn.  Perhaps in those dangerous waves, John could receive the inspiration Hemingway had when he wrote “The Old Man and the Sea”.

That week, Lynn’s church had a volunteer to drive us somewhere every single day.  We went to Disneyland and Xin was extremely excited and had a wonderful time.  Additionally,  we toured Hollywood and went to many different museums.  Nevertheless, that Christmas we were extremely happy.  I wanted to thank Lynn and her family for being such gracious hosts so I bought a chicken from the supermarket and made a Chinese style roast chicken.  I put many different ingredients and also sticky rice inside the stomach of the chicken and baked it for three hours until the skin was crispy and brown.  Lynn’s family tasted my chicken and praised it quite a bit, and said that I should visit them more often.

We could never forget that event and Betty’s love for our family.  A little over five years ago I and Helen visited Betty in Florida.  At that time, she was more than 80.  I cooked several Chinese dishes for her and when she heard that we both had great jobs and Xin was studying at UC Berkeley she felt very relieved.  Today, even though Betty already left us, her smiles and voice is still often remembered in our family.

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Addendum from Xin:  I still remember that Christmas really clearly even thought it has been more than fifteen  years because it was beautiful.  The funniest moment I remember was that Lynn’s family sat down to pray over the food, and my dad didn’t quite understand it.  So when they said something like, “Thank you for this food”, my dad blurted out something like “no problem!” because he cooked the chicken.  My mom was embarrassed and then explained it to him later.  It’s still pretty funny when I think of it.

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The most annoying thing about self evaluations is when they give you a numbered scale asking you how you think you did.  Should you be modest here?  Or should you just be honest? Sometimes even when you are being honest your assessment of your work may not match up to what others think and you could come off as sounding arrogant.  I usually try to be honest and rate myself a bit above average, but is that how my peers see me? Sometimes the number ratings’ associated descriptions are pretty vague.  For example, why is “made excellent contributions” ranked 3 and “often exceeded expectations” ranked 4?  Does that mean excellent contributions don’t exceed expectations?  Basically, I hate how HR tries to make every rating sound nice and fine.

It is also a bit hard for me to fill this form out with a ton of achievements for the past year since I have only been here for four months.  So my list of accomplishments seem kind of pithy.  I don’t think that is a big problem because my manager should understand that I am still really new here.  I do have a good habit of writing down things I have accomplished in my notebook, but it is hard to summarize small day to day accomplishments such as “made this thing run again”.

Another crappy thing about this particular performance review is that I am pretty sure I will not get a raise because of the length of my service here.  I am okay with it considering that they just gave me a pretty nice hiring bonus a few months ago.  Hopefully next year I will get a bigger raise than usual.

There has been a ton of changes in every part of my company for reasons I will not state here.  I will say that I do believe in the direction the company is taking. I just hope they refine their performance review process a bit more so that it isn’t so annoying and time consuming to fill out these forms. Unfortunately, I guess I am amongst the first batch of guinea pigs to go through this at this company. So how about you?  Do you have any tips or rants about the self evaluation process of performance reviews?

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Anyway, happy Valentine’s Day if you’re into it. Just remember that it’s a capitalistic conspiracy for you to pull out your wallets. Resist if you can!

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