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Today the hubby and I once again discussed the idea of having one of us stay at home when we have a kid. I have researched the costs of daycare in San Mateo and it is very expensive. We can definitely afford it but from what I read many infant care facilities are not only expensive, but have extremely long waiting lists. One of the Wise Bread writers I met last week used to live in Redwood City and she said that she signed up to be on the wait list of one of the daycares with a better reputation while she was pregnant and she got a call back when her daughter was two! That’s pretty crazy and makes me want to put myself on the list right now. Anyway, the hubby expressed interest in being a stay at home dad before, and I asked him about it again.

Financially, my income is still above the San Mateo median if we became an one income family. I used our actual incomes and plugged it into this at MSN money. According to the calculator if we lose my hubby’s income but he takes care of our kid we would lose about $12500 a year and that doesn’t seem like all that much. The hubby makes a decent income as a game programmer, but we are taxed quite a bit on that second income so the biggest savings we get is on taxes. I plugged in daycare costs at $1200 a month, but that’s actually a pretty low estimate because apparently for their top of the line on campus daycare. I consider my hubby to be a top of the line caretaker considering his intelligence and attentiveness towards kids so when I plug in $2500 a month for daycare obviously we come out ahead by having the hubby stay at home. Additionally, right now the hubby commutes about 50 miles a day to and from work so we will save a few hundred a month on gas. If I were to stay home, we would lose more money because my base salary is about 12% higher than the hubby’s and I have been getting bigger raises than the hubby just because the type of companies I work for pay more. If the hubby stayed in enterprise software he would be making more money than me right now because he has one more year of experience and he graduated from an elite school. However, he is in games right now and every software engineer knows that you work in games for love and not money.

The main issue is that I am afraid that the hubby would not want to give up his career, but he said that he really would love to be a stay at home at dad. He thinks that he would have a lot of free time for his own projects because he always wanted to make his own games. He also has tons of movies he would like to watch, dozens of books he wants to read, and so much stuff he wants to learn. Additionally, he just loves babies. Then I asked him if he would be lonely, and he said that he could just hang out with all the other stay at home parents he knows. We do know a stay at home dad from church with three kids and several stay at home moms that are our friends. Besides that, one of the hubby’s best friends has a work schedule where he gets home in the early afternoon so they could hang out. In terms of jobs, it is also generally easier for a man to get back to a career after taking a little hiatus. If he really uses his time to create games on his own then he would be even more attractive to future employers., or if he really makes great games he could sell them on the internet by himself.

Anyway, this is all hypothetical because we don’t have kids yet, but it is good to know that the hubby wouldn’t mind being a stay at home parent. I have read many blog posts by women whose husbands tried out the stay at home thing and got ridiculously bored and went back to work, but I guess it’s mostly because they didn’t have any projects of their own. I am not too worried about the hubby having nothing to entertain himself with because he has a ton of games he hasn’t started playing yet and he is one of those nerds that could just sit there and think for hours for fun. The hubby wants to finish the game at his workplace first, and then we may work on actually trying to having a kid and this stay at home dad thing may actually happen.

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viagra youtubeon 07.27.08 at 7:58 pm

We did this after I got my advanced degree and then a good teaching position at a university. My husband stayed home and took care of our daughter (she was in third grade when we started this). He eventually got some parttime teaching work, but I was the primary breadwinner for 13 years and we were both very happy with that arrangement.

viagra youtubeon 07.27.08 at 8:05 pm

It’s great that you’re thinking about this now. It’s really impossible to know what life will be like when you’re a parent until you become one, but nevertheless it’s good to think about.

One point I’d like to bring up that you haven’t discussed — I’m sure it’s obvious to a smart woman like you but at the risk of stating the obvious — if one parent stayed at home, your child will reap tremendous benefits! Unless you’re totally incompetent and abusive, the best day care will not even come close to match the benefit of abundant time and closeness with a parent. The first few years of life is absolutely crucial to the rest of the life of a person. You’ll be giving your child the best gift he/she can have at the start — constant attachment to a parent.

Besides, a kid is very demanding. Life will be infinitely less complicated and stressful to juggle one job as opposed to two. My wife and I tried juggling two part-time jobs and shared childcare duties when our first child was born. Soon we switched to me working full-time and she staying home. SO much better. I would have gladly stayed home, though, if she had a career that could provide for us.

Anyway — best wishes!


viagra youtubeon 07.27.08 at 8:29 pm

Family run day care in the bay area will cost you about $1000 a month. At the cheapest, it’s around $750 a month. Craiglist is your best way of finding day care with openings. Make sure the place lists a license. You can use the license to do further research on the provider. Take your child with you when you check out a new day care. If your baby doesn’t like the provider, keep looking.

viagra youtubeon 07.27.08 at 9:36 pm

“husbands tried out the stay at home thing and got ridiculously bored and went back to work” hilarious!

A question for you – would YOU be jealous of the bonding time with the child and working as a stay-at-home-parent rather than in the business world?

viagra youtubeon 07.27.08 at 9:51 pm

I’m not sure if I’d be jealous. My husband is hoping that when the kid is a baby he or she would just sleep a lot. It seems like babies do sleep a lot. I don’t think I’d do as well as a stay at home parent just because I would be ridiculously bored. Even if I blog I can get bored.

viagra youtubeon 07.28.08 at 7:29 am

Staying home with the kids is great, but don’t let him get his heart (or the budget) set on doing much work at home. It is extremely difficult to concentrate for an extended period of time with kids around, making programming a hard task. The baby stage passes so quickly and then they are needing constant supervision for several years. When more come along (we have 3 boys) the stay-at-home parent’s day becomes very fractured. Maybe you two could have an arrangement though where he gets some uninterrupted time at night or on weekends to do his work. I agree with Ari that it is very important for one of you to be home with the baby. You will be very glad you did it. Ari is also right about it being impossible to know what being a parent will be like – my husband laughs about how often he eats crow for the comments he made before our kids came along. Good luck – I’m sure with all of the thought you’ve put into it you two will be very successful parents.

viagra youtubeon 07.28.08 at 8:39 am

Growing up, one of my classmates had a stay at home dad, and we were all a little bit jealous! Plus it was just nice to be able to have a dad around for class trips and stuff. Something different than all the moms, and it showed the kids in the class that there was no such thing as “mom jobs” or “dad jobs.”

viagra youtubeon 07.28.08 at 10:45 am

The thing is, you will never know how it works out until you try it. I think in theory it is a great idea. Any parent staying at home with the child, be it the mother or the father, is a better alternative than leaving the child in daycare. No one knows a kid better than the parent. Good luck though. I’m rooting for the stay at home daddy scenario since you seem to be OK with it.

viagra youtubeon 07.28.08 at 11:32 am

You are right, we’d never know what’s going to happen in practice. I’ll write about it again when it actually happens.

viagra youtubeon 07.28.08 at 12:54 pm

It is very smart to think ahead, and I think you have weighed many things. One thing to see is if your husband could continue to work from home, that is sometimes a possibility in the field he is in…I think. I know many wonder stay at home dads who are doing a great job and loving every minute of the decision.

viagra youtubeon 07.29.08 at 12:51 am

Wow! That your husband even consider being a stay-at-home dad is really something you must be proud of. Most dad never like the idea of taking care of the kids while wife works because it hurts their “ego”. Anyway, my wife and I are actually living with a single income, that is from me. She resigned from her treasury managerial job last Feb and I’m now the source of cash flow in the family.

For me its the best decision we did. Knowing that my baby will be raised by my wife gives me the confidence that my son will grow with the right values, as opposed to sending them to day care or having somebody else do it for us (which is pretty normal here in Philippines)

Fix My Personal Finance

ps: he may also consider blogging, who knows he might earn more than you do on blogging alone*laughs*

viagra youtubeon 07.30.08 at 1:17 pm

That’s a similar thought process that my wife and I went through before our first child, and she ended up staying at home for our first and now second children. I have to sound a massive alarm on these statements, though, as Kay did. I base this on my wife’s experience over the last 2.5 years and my two 6-week stabs at problogging where I “watched the kids and worked from home”:

“he would have a lot of free time for his own projects”: you may think that being a stay-at-home parent gives you some free time, and it does at first when the infant is still sleeping a lot, but trust me – once they start walking you will never have 30 uninterrupted minutes to accomplish ANYTHING.

“He also has tons of movies he would like to watch, dozens of books he wants to read, and so much stuff he wants to learn.” See above. Between washing, playing, feeding, etc. it’s not like you have hours of quiet time to watch TV or read books.

“he could just hang out with all the other stay at home parents he knows”. Kids are on different sleeping schedules, it’s tough to trek over to someone else’s house, and it’s not that relaxing to be around a half dozen toddlers.

“one of the hubby’s best friends has a work schedule where he gets home in the early afternoon so they could hang out.” If your husband’s best friend enjoys hanging out while your husband spoons strained carrots and changes poopy diapers he’ll be a good best friend indeed.

I know that sounds harsh but my wife had big plans to “do all that stuff she never had time for” when she quit her corporate job. She has less free time now, and with two forget it. Just be realistic – child care is not easy or predictable!

All that having been said, I think having one parent stay home results in massive improvements in vocabulary, self-confidence, health, etc. We see that compared to neighbors with kids in day care or with nannies without a doubt.

viagra youtubeon 08.01.08 at 9:04 pm

I’ll ditto what Brip Blap just said. I went through a similar time-off and I can tell you I am glad to be back at work so I can finally get some stuff done!

Your husband will be in for the shock of a lifetime if he really believes he will have anything more than nap time to do anything.


viagra youtubeon 08.01.08 at 11:36 pm

Yeah, I’m a stay at home parent and believe me… free time is hard to come by. I even get jealous of my husband’s lunch hour. lol. Or even his commute. Seriously, I would pay for 30 minutes alone in the car once in a while.

viagra youtubeon 09.23.08 at 11:51 am

[...] What If My Husband Became a Stay At Home Parent? [...]

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