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We did not receive our visa. I relayed the bad news to Helen via mail. She knew that the main reason we failed to be approved was her economic situation. The American Consulate did not believe that Helen could support an entire family in an expensive place like Hawaii with her part time job. Helen felt that she already put in a lot of effort but still failed, and she was disappointed, but she did not give up. She wrote to me and encouraged me to study English in the six months while she tries to get a better scholarship package. As I said before, there are not many grants given to humanities students and there is a small pool of money that is being eyed by many students. The competition is fierce and it is like a bunch of monks fighting for a little bit of porridge. In Helen’s department there are three full scholarships with stipend and they are all taken by other students. One of them was about to graduate and quite a few PhD candidates in the department were competing for this scholarship.

Because Helen was extremely diligent in her studies, her professors all liked her very much. Her graduate adviser is an Asian Theatre professor who has performed as Concubine Yang (Yang Guifei) in Beijing Operas in China. She definitely wanted Helen to get the scholarship and offered her support. Another important fact is that this particular scholarship was set up for the Kennedy Theatre’s costumes and stage department, where Helen happens to be working. Because of this, Helen had support from her professors and coworkers, and when the scholarship committee convened to bestow the last scholarship, Helen received the most votes. After the decision was made, Helen went to work as usual after attending class. Her boss Linda, also the director of the costume shop told Helen that she has been granted the department’s last full scholarship and stipend package. Later Helen wrote to me that she didn’t know whether she was excited or joyous, but she hugged Linda and cried out loud. With this grant, our family can be reunited! How difficult it was for Helen!

With the grant we had a chance of getting our visas. However, the stipend was only $1050 per month. Using the standards of Americans, this bit of money is barely enough for one person. Additionally, rent and other necessities in Hawaii are all more expensive than the mainland. Helen felt that once we arrive in America the living expenses may be suffocating.

Thus she started to look in the paper for a possible live in situation where a family would exchange rent for some household chores. Finally she found an advertisement for a live in situation with a handicapped woman. The deal is that the family of the handicapped woman is willing to provide a room free of charge, but Helen must live there and take care of the woman at night. Helen wanted to save rent money and thought that if she had to endure some hardship it doesn’t matter much. She thought that if she could save some money maybe I could go to school once I am in America. She went to the family for an interview and the family was delighted and hired her. So Helen said goodbye to Lory and Dane. Lory and Dane were hesitant to let her go because Dane loved spending time with Helen on Friday nights when she told stories and played games with him. Lory told Helen that it is very difficult to take care of a handicapped senior citizen, and if Helen can’t take it anymore then just give Lory a call.

Helen moved to the home of the handicapped lady. In the day time she would go to school and return home to take care of the lady at night. Since Helen has never taken care of a handicapped person before she did not know how hard it is. When Helen gets home she needed to help the lady clean her body. Then later at night the lady would incessantly call Helen to help her get water and go to the bathroom. When she gets her feces and urine all over her bed, Helen needed to clean it up. After two nights, Helen was exhausted, and did not have energy for school. Helen thought about the situation and figured that she couldn’t handle it any longer. So she called Lory and asked to be taken back. After this incident, everytime Helen thinks about it she would get a bit emotional.

Because of Helen’s tireless efforts, we got our visa and we were able to leave the country. At that time, the policy allowed us to keep our jobs for a while and visit our relatives in another country. However, the leaders of the university I worked for were qutie heartless, and believed that I should give up my position and apartment to visit my wife. (Our apartment was supplied by the school).I thought about how I started working at a steel factory at age 15, and then spent more than 10 years teaching in the university. I practically spent my entire life for the building of my country. Now I, a person who has been educated by the Communists and used to eating the “big pot of rice”* was forced to give up my job. I did not have any other skills and I was going to a country where I didn’t know the language. I was extremely angry. However, if I did not quit my job and give up the apartment, my employer was not willing to give approval for me and my daughter to leave the country. For Chinese people of this day and age, quitting a job is not a big deal, but at that time it was an end to everything I had. A common proverb says, ” a man’s tears should not be shed carelessly”. However, right before I left I really cried. I’m not sure the sadness in my tears was towards the helplessness I felt towards giving up everything, or towards the fear of an unknown world. The feelings I felt at that moment are really hard to describe with words.

For the reunion of our family, I resigned to my fate, and signed my name on the form to quit my job and give up our apartment. Now when I think about it, if the university didn’t cut off my job as my fallback plan, perhaps I wouldn’t have had the courage to survive in America and endure all the hardships. My situation reminded me of the battle technique described by Sima Qian in The Records of the Grand Historian (Shiji) where troops sank their own ships once they reached enemy territory so that they have no choice but to fight and “live after they are in the land of death”. Another quote I have read is that “hardship is the ladder to the improvement of life”. After I have had this experience, I truly understood what these writers meant.

To be continued…

purchase cheap cialis soft tabs“big pot of rice” is a moniker given to how Chinese workers were paid regardless of how much work they did under the Communist government. Before we left China practically everyone was employed by the government and there was very little private industry. So basically everyone was eating the “big pot of rice”. China is no longer like this and a lot of people wish the “big pot of rice” could come back.

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