During a recent lunch with my coworkers we discussed marriage and two guys voiced their opposition to the institution of marriage. They weren’t against the concept of being monogamous at all. One man said that he doesn’t like the fact that he has to register his marriage with the government. He really doesn’t mind having a longterm commitment to one woman and he isn’t against having a ceremony declaring his current live-in girlfriend as his wife, but he feels that it’s ridiculous that the government has to get into a private union such as marriage and charge additional taxes. Another man said that he doesn’t like the fact marriage has historically been a business deal where a woman becomes the property of a man. He says that marriage is still very much about the ownership of property and he just thinks it’s a really archaic custom where two people join to increase their wealth.
I think they both had valid points. Marriage is an economic union no matter how we slice it. In many cultures it is customary to marry someone in the same economic standing as you are. In China the saying for the compatibility of economic stature is “meng dang hu dui”, which literally translates to “the suitable door and the matching household”. In Arab countries it is also common for cousins to marry each other in order to keep wealth within the same family. I think in America it is more of an unspoken rule , but for the most part couples I know do come from fairly similar economic backgrounds. If one partner happens to be a lot poorer than the other they may be labeled as a “golddigger” or “mooch”.
Disregarding arranged marriages, I think one of the main reasons we tend to end up with people in our own economic echelon is that these people usually live in the same neighborhoods, have similar educational backgrounds, and have common social circles. Also, when two people get married it’s easier to adapt to a lifestyle that is familiar to both of them so having similar economic backgrounds is actually a good thing for a marriage. So in most cases where we marry laterally we have an economic union that is a partnership or merger of sorts. In such a marriage the two parties have equal economic clout in the household.
In cases where one person “marries up” to another, the economic dynamics is more like a buyout. Basically the partner with more money could hold more power over the less financially endowed partner. As my coworker said, oftentimes women were treated like property in a marriage and it still happens today in many countries because women in those are forbidden to work and earn income.
I think in both cases there are problems and compromises have to be made for any marriage to work. In the case where two people are fairly equal in wealth and income there may be too much independence. Since a marriage is about combining two lives together into one the combining of spending and finances may be an issue of contention. I think the hubby and I have it figured out mostly. In the case where one person has no income or very little income the other partner may have too much power, and when that partner abuses that power there would be major problems in the relationship. Millionaire Mommy Next Door had an entire article about economic abuse and unfortunately a lot of people are in these relationships where the person who brings home the bacon asserts his/her power with money. On the flipside of the coin, sometimes the person who earns money isn’t necessarily an abuser, but is just fed up with being a provider and becomes resentful. That is why there are sites like NoMarriage.com where men who feel trapped go to rant about their lives. However, I think these financially imbalanced marriages can work well if both partners appreciate each other more for what they do. A lot of stay at home partners do a lot of things around the household to improve the lives of the whole family, and that is work too. As long as both people recognize each other for what they do and care about money a bit less then it should work out.
Since a marriage is a very long relationship sometimes one partner’s financial situation changes so much that they’re no longer equals, or the person who married up suddenly started to earn more money than the other. In these cases there are problems because money can change people. In the case of Gary Wendt the CEO of GE, the couple started out with nothing, but his wife managed to help him get through Harvard Business School and then quit her job after he became an executive. Their marriage ended in a very public divorce where his exwife Lorna battled for half of his fortune. It is very unfortunate that these types of divorces happen over and over again.
Money issues is the number one reason couples divorce each other, so it’s best to figure out what kind of economic relationship you have with your mate before you get married. If you are already married having open and honest talks about your concerns with each other also helps a lot. I am still a newlywed but I hope that money will not change my hubby and I. So what sort of economic union do you have? A merger in progress or a total buyout? Are you a victim of economic abuse or are you a resentful provider?
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6 comments ↓
Marriage is not just about the 2 people that are getting together. Eventually children comes in the picture. Single parents are usually in an economic disadvantage because one parent abdicates resonsibility for the care of the child. Not too long ago, when people get married and start a family, the mother usually stays home to take care of the children. In this situation there is a tax advantage and marriage penalty does not apply.
Hey Bag lady, this is the second blog of yours i’ve read, boy your all over the place. The first one was concering the mortgage crisis, now marriage. Well… i’m still reading so there must be something I like. I have to say if money is yours or anyone elses primary concern in a marriage your already doomed. Yes it is the single biggest reason people get divorced, but that just proves my point. And as for your co-workers, with those kinds of attitudes they should do themselves a favor and stay single, they will be better off in the long run. Marriage is not for everyone, it is not for the faint of heart,and it is most definitely not for the selfish. Marriage is about giving yourself over totally to the one you love and having faith that they will do the same. If you are not willing to do that with your finances then you are no more than roommates with fring benefits. We can go on forever about this one, but I won’t. Later
Love this post!
Here is my situation. My spouse’s family has always done better financially than mine. However, we come from similar neighborhoods, similar cultural backgrounds, we are of the same religion, and had the same University education.
Even though our parent’s make drastically different salaries, they have similar financial attitudes. They only minimally helped their children attend college (both parent’s expected a lot out of their kids), they rarely eat out at restaurants, and they both are frugal with everyday expenses. Neither wears expensive clothes or drives fancy cars. The biggest difference is that when my DH’s parents pass away, they will have more money in the bank than mine.
Though neither of our families take much financial risk, (they probably could be much wealthier if they did), they believe in saving and living within their means.
On a side note, I am now a SAHM. Some friends ask me if I feel weird spending my DH’s money. Ha! Shows how much they know. I have no problems whatsoever with it. Through our early years of marriage I supported him financially while he finished his Masters degree. Now he supports me while he finishes a PhD and works FT. We both see it as ‘our’ money. He earns it, and I manage it.
It works great for us. I give him a breakdown once a week of where we stand financially. I also freely spend money for my own entertainment like going out to lunch with friends on occasion, or buying a new outfit on occasion. I say ‘freely’ not because I blow money on every whim and fancy, but because I know my DH will not have a problem with those purchases. I also remember to keep an eye on his wardrobe and ask him frequently if he needs any clothing replaced so I can keep my eyes open for sales.
In addition, my DH is a workhorse so I try and look for ways he can relax and have fun. He is the type of guy who needs to be reminded to take some time off to rest or play.
Basically we look out for each other. He is concerned that I am happy as a SAHM, and I am concerned that he doesn’t overdue it working himself to the bone. We always discuss backup plans, in case our current situation fails. We talk about me going back to work if needed, or selling our home and renting, or reducing our monthly costs through getting rid of gym memberships, cable, cell-phones, etc. (We don’t want to do any of these things, by the way, b/c they add to our quality of life; but we are willing to if necessary).
Anyway, that is the long version, but it totally works for us.
One last side note…marriage is a risk. Being a parent is a risk. I take risks by not working. My spouse takes risks by not managing the money. We can’t be perfect in everything, and we can’t guard against every disaster. We take comfort in knowing we are doing the best we can, in living frugally, and in maintaining a good relationship with each other. All of these things COULD fail. But we sincerely work hard each day so that they will not.
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Sarah, great points about marriage and how you deal with finances being a risk. That is the key issue to understand.
The problem I have is that in the vast majority of cases, the woman takes on much more than her share of risk in the marriage. Worse, she often does not acknowledge the risks she’s taking, and she fails to consider the implications of her choices.
Women sometimes don’t even think about the earning power they’re giving up when they quit working. They usually will not even consider the possiblity of divorce (which, hello, is a statistical probability). Other factors like layoffs, disability, or death of the income earner don’t even occur to them. It’s very scary to me. So many women end up blindsided by these issues and saddled with regret–or trapped in loveless marriages for the sake of financial stability.
I admire you for discussing back-up plans, thinking ahead to what you two would do in a cash flow crunch, and being open to options such as you going back to work. It shows a mutual trust and respect which is the whole key to a successful marriage.
Meg,
So true, so true. I think there are simple steps all couples should take, especially when there is one parent who is not working for income. For me, (obviously these differ for every person) they are:
-life insurance on both partners (a decent amount)
-home ownership (budget permitting)
-roth IRA’s for both partners
-complete access to the entire budget and accounts for both partners
-an equal share of ‘play’ money for both partners that does not need to be accounted for
We also each have an individual credit card, (as well as a joint card), though it is debatable how much good that would do me or DH is either of us went nuts and tried to financially destroy the other.
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