So a couple weeks ago I wrote about my super cheap ex-boyfriend and the article became quite popular. What I found quite entertaining is how people found that article through Google. Here’s a list of the various searches:
- my boyfriend is tight with money
- my boyfriend is cheap
- my boyfriend doesn’t like to pay
- stingy boyfriend
- my boyfriend never pays for my movie tickets
- why doesn’t my wealthy boyfriend buy me anything (this is my favorite)
It seems that a lot of these women are searching for answers to why their boyfriends are so cheap. In a funny way it reminded me of my grandmother who still complains that my granddad is so cheap that he bought only sweet yams for their dates. She says she really expected her future husband to buy her some good meat to eat. Well, now they’ve been married for 54 years and the world has changed quite a bit, but it seems that men are still expected to woo a woman by pulling out their wallets. Why is this still the social norm now that a lot of women have their own incomes and careers? What do women really expect men to spend in a courtship?
I think most boys in this country are taught at a young age that they will need to spend money on women. For example, my hubby went to an all boys Catholic high school and he said that’s where he learned women are expensive. He had a class called Christian Lifestyles and his teacher brought in a vacuum sealed wedding dress belonging to the missus. Then the teacher threw the dress on the floor and stepped on it and said something along the lines of “I spent so much money on this useless piece of clothing! Women are expensive!”. In addition to education at school, the media also does a good job in popularizing the notion that a man only has to be wealthy to attract women. I completely understand why other women want men with money from the biological perspective of child rearing. Generally raising children takes a lot of resources and a wealthy man is more attractive because his money is a security blanket for starting a family. However, a lot of women don’t want children, but they still expect their men to take care of them and in this case I think when men spend money it shows a willingness to provide.
Personally, I do not want my hubby to spend a lot of money on me, because I don’t see money as an expression of love. The other day I asked my hubby if he were glad that I am not an expensive wife, and he said, ” you ARE expensive!” Then I asked him why he thinks so and he replied, “you’re expensive because you suck my time and sanity, and those things can’t be recovered. Money can be replaced!” I think he was just joking. The hubby has found out a long time ago that I prefer his time much more than gifts that can be bought. He has given me some very cool and romantic gifts that he spent a lot of time and effort on. For example, he wrote my name in gold molecules with an electron microscope and sent me the finished product which was about 10 nanometers wide. I thought it was an awesomely geeky gift. He said that he heard of a book called The Five Love Languages and figured out that I like love to be expressed as quality time. He is a very smart man, and that’s why I married him.
Can the issue of money really be removed from human courtship? I am not sure. But I propose a challenge to all the Google users with cheap boyfriends: ask yourselves what your “love language” is. Do you really want your boyfriend/husband to spend more money on you? Or do you just want them to spend more time with you and shower you with love and affection?
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13 comments ↓
Great post…i have a bf that spoils me with flowers, dinners, and pays for almost everything. Although his want to be able to take care of me is adorable and endearing, his time and affection is what I value the most. In the beginning of our relationship, I wanted more material things, but after years of dating, you find that things are replaceable…time spent is not
You are a lucky woman, Baglady. A lot of women have not got the love you have got from your hubby for their whole lives, not even close. Cherish it and let it grow. Be a good wife to deserve it.
Laoma
Hi Alison. I’m glad you liked this post and you’re very lucky to have a sweet boyfriend! Hi Laoma. I know I am pretty lucky to have the hubby, and I spoil him sometimes too.
Someone submitted this post to reddit. Well, it was in the “new” section. I don’t think it got voted very high. Anyway, this may be germane:
http://gawker.com/news/gender-norms-and-the-city/why-do-otherwise-normal-girls-refuse-to-go-dutch-304569.php
Interesting post. I think my wife likes a balance of both love/affection and the flowers, cards, jewelry, stuff. I try to do both, but I will never again ask her what she wants for her birthday, once she said “nothing” and that is what I got her. BIG mistake. Guys, better to not ask but to just take care of it and get her something she might like! Does not have to be expensive, just thoughtful.
Hey lux~
Writing your name in gold molecules with an electron microscope… That is so amazingly sweet AND original!
PS. I subscribe to your blog now, haha.
Those search phrases are pretty funny. I remember some women would be horrified that I pay for some dinners with my bf.
Ahhh, geek love, so much fun. I know a couple where the guy proposed to the girl with a perl script.
http://www.perlmonks.org/index.pl?node_id=384100
Another couple, the guy programmed 3 aibos to do a pretty elaborate and adorable skit proposal.
oooh yes, I’ve heard of that 5 Languages of Love thing! I think how I like to receive love is different than how I like to express love…is that the case for you too?
And I can’t believe your husband spelled your name in gold molecules! THAT IS SO AWESOME!!!!!!!! You’re extremely lucky to have him and he, you.
[…] baglady presents What Do Women Really Want Men to Spend on Them? posted at the baglady. This is about whether women want just money, or […]
I just luckily came across this blog by googling “my college boyfriend doesn’t pay,” so I’m hoping someone might still respond to this quandary of mine. I happen to have the opposite problem here– my boyfriend of almost a year (and friend for longer than that) is really one of the best people I know. From the very beginning of our romantic relationship we started to pick up on the whole trade-off thing, and have talked about it multiple times since–not without some tension. I grew up in a family with money issues (dad so cheap my mom felt neglected, etc), and, as a college student in NYC with huge loans, have a lot of money related stress. I know he does too; his family lives further away than mine, and he is graduating this semester. I really don’t want to stress him out, and I love the idea of treating each other at whim, but the thing is, I feel more and more like its me treating him all the time. Its hard to blame him because I’m sure at the beginning of our relationship (the first real one for both of us) I made a big fuss about not wanting to be appropriated or treated too much like the receiving end of an archaic, chivalrous, heterosexual couple stereotype (whew!). But now I’m just feeling kind of bad because every time we go to pay for anything I feel like its on me, and I passively burn up inside when he just waits for me to take out the debit card. Ironically, I often feel like the stereotypical girlfriend who wishes her boyfriend would read her mind– can’t he just know I wish he’d pay? And not say something like “man, I’m so worried about money” when he does pay? We have scuffled about it in the past and he’s said “if you ever want me to pay, just ask,” or– “you just remember the times you’ve paid, and not the times I have,” but he rarely even offers, and if he does, finally do so, its something like “do you just want me to pay for it?” its when we’re at the cash register and I’m holding up the line while fumbling for my for wallet at the bottom of my bag.
Just to make clear, its not that I wish he’d buy me a necklace or anything– I just wish I felt less like he was trying to get free food out of me. But who knows– maybe thats OK– and maybe if I don’t let this go now, I’ll eventually become someone wishing they had a diamond buying boyfriend or something like that. I don’t know.
Anyway, I’m sorry for rambling on for so long but just had to get this out– I’m too embarrassed to talk about it with anyone in person. I would SO much appreciate any advice.
hmm… it sounds like you need to work out some sort of schedule with him, or just offer to pay for your portion of the food like when you go out with normal friends. Otherwise, you can try to go on free dates, like my cheap ex did. It doesn’t sound like he’s just a mooch, but maybe he just got used to you paying for everything. Money can be a real point of dissent in a relationship and it’s best to talk about it as soon as possible. So maybe you should be honest with him and say that you feel like you’re treating him much more than you’d like. It is hard though, because I don’t know what he would say to that. Though I think it’s possible to work out a schedule that’s more fair if you offered to pay less. For my hubby and I at first he offered to pay for meals, and then I offered to pay for every other meal so that it’s evened out. So maybe a little inaction from you will balance out the situation in your relationship.
[…] Baglady presents What Do Women Really Want Men to Spend on Them? posted at The […]
[…] What Do Women Really Want Men to Spend on Them? @ The Baglady - When Eric and I first dated he certainly spent a lot of money to impress me. I think it is natural for men to want to impress their women, especially if their women really enjoy nice dinners (like me). Now that we are married we know the gifts and fancy dining dates aren’t “necessary” anymore. It really is the little things that count. […]
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