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I too am a conflicted young woman, not yet married or with children and just starting a great career. On one hand I would love to be the primary caregiver for and stay home with my future kids. But I think it is really dangerous for any woman to automatically assume it would be ideal to quit her job and stay home when she has children.
Being a SAHM can be extremelly difficult, though, especially compared to a previous job. Suddenly you have lost your income, your independence, a big chunk of your identity. Being a SAHM can sometimes be depressing andunfulfilling; those moms are often desperate for attention, for appreciation, for help, for support, for money and for independence. And theylook to their husbands to fill these needs.
The bottom line is that I think it’s just too risky in this day and age to rely on your husband (or father or anyone else) for 100% of your earnings, security, assets, and retirement savings. It may be the best thing for kids to be raised by their mother theoretically, but not if that mother ends up depressed or divorced and working a low-paying job to support her kids.
Forget divorce, though, husbands also die, become disabled, and are incredibly stressed with the overwhelming pressure to provide for an entire family all on their own. That pressure in and of itself can strain or break up marriages.
I think women don’t think about the earning potential they are giving up, not to mention the freedom, sense of purpose/identity, and intellectual stimulation you get from a career. They simply think of what’s best for the child NOW. But you have to think of what’s best for the child in general–and a happy, fulfilled mother with independence and ambition can often make for the best wife, and the best mother.
My goal is to have the best of both worlds. I’m scrambling now to accumulate rental property and plenty of assets before i get married, so that I can stay at home later but still “work” from home investing and managing rental properties as well as writing and blogging. I will never give up my independence–it’s not fair to myself, to my husband, or to my future children.
Meg, I agree with all your points. It’s like on the airplane they tell you to put an oxygen mask on yourself first before putting the masks on your children. The idea is that the caretaker has to be healthy and capable enough to take care of those in need. I want to stay home and invest, too, or start my own business, and I don’t want to stress out my hubby either. I felt like his bestman’s wife was a bit immature, because later on she said in front of all of us that her hubby needs a new job to take care of all three of them. Her hubby obviously looked very serious and a bit sad, but she was just laughing. Maybe I am over analyzing that event, but needless to say, I was irked by it. I don’t think she knew that I found her behavior annoying, because we come from such different backgrounds. She always wanted to be a stay at home mom and I always wanted to be independent. I really don’t know how to reach these women, and I think if they read this blog they might be offended too. Oh well, I guess we can just keep on writing and maybe convince other girls that they need to be financially independent no matter what.
First time I’ve read your blog, and I have to say, it’s good.
Now, I thought to comment on this, as I AM a SAHM, and I think you made some interesting points here. YES, being at home can get boring and lonely, and (if you don’t watch it) depressing. Staying at home is also not something that I feel women should expect – my husband and I had a long talk on it and he asked me if I would be willing to stay at home. Of course, it is stressful…I’d be lying if I said that it wasn’t. But we re-visit the SAH-idea about twice a year, and his mind hasn’t changed. While there are times I wish for more social interaction, the idea of leaving my child and having a pre-school or baby-sitter witnessing her “firsts” makes my stomach turn.
I would also say that there have been studies done, and many SAHM incomes aren’t much more than the costs of clothes, commuting, and day care, meaning that many women wouldn’t come out far above what the household makes if that woman (or man, it IS 2007) were to stay at home instead. As for what happens if the husband dies/gets injured/divorce….the wife goes to work, and does what she can to make it work. I would further ask – what happens when the husband of a woman who works OUTSIDE the home dies/gets injured/divorced? If you’re used to two incomes and suddenly have only the one, what do you do then? Because it can happen to ANY person. In my own personal circumstance, we know that I can go to work if needed, and while I might not make as much as my husband does (he’s more technical than I am), we’d make it work if we had to.
That being said…I think your friend was callous – not only toward you, but also her husband. I like to look at being a SAHM like any other job – some women do well in Engineering, some in Administrative positions, and some at Doctoring, and most of us don’t judge other women and their positions as being better or worse than any other. Why should those who find fulfillment in working outside the home be thought of as any better or worse than those who find it IN the home? As long as it works for you (AND your spouse), why should you be judged?
Finally, I’d like to let you know that I WASN’T offended, because even from the other side of the issue, I think it is something that needs to be addressed by both sides as well. While I don’t feel I need to be “reached” (our banking/credit is all jointed, just like many dual-working families in this country), I’d also like you to consider that in many ways, some of us SAHMs ARE independent – most of our friends work outside the home, and WE are the points of contact for our family. WE are the food-shoppers, the bookkeepers, the teachers, the home-organizers. WE are the ones teaching our values to our children, making the leaders of the world (when we are old and grey and in nursing homes *giggle*). In many ways, we are just as independent as those outside the home, if only because we are on a different path and have to branch out and find a different way of doing things. Not better, just different.
Jesse,
You comment is AWESOME and very thoughtful. I appreciate the fact that you pointed out the fact that a stay at home spouse is a great backup in case of emergency. Also, I think it’s important that you said that staying home isn’t something women should expect. I think what bothers me the most are women who expect to be taken care of completely. I fully understand that taking care of kids is a full time job and I am just slightly worried that I can’t work full time outside the home anymore once I have kids. I’m glad that you gave me such great feedback!
What a great post! You’ve addressed the Mommy Wars the way I’ve always wanted someone to look at them.
I am a SAHM and have struggled over the past two years to find the perfect balance of being home and also wanting outside connections. I enjoy being home and I don’t want to give up the freedom of my “unpredictable” schedules. I also don’t like to be tied to the typical 9-5 type jobs. I want to make my own way on my own terms, so being a Stay at home Mom is the best option for my family and I. I completely agree with Jesse’s points about Husband/Income/Joint Accounts and Accidents. Life happens.
From your friend’s perspective, she doesn’t realize yet what a child is going to do to their lifestyle. She’s validating her own circumstances and hoping she’s right. The same for the Working Moms. I think the Mommy Wars are fueled by Moms feeling judged or judging Moms for their decisions. It’s a strange mix of guilt/uncertainty of Mom’s choices.
Before I had children, I could not understand the challenges of being a Mom–let alone a Stay at home Mom or a Working Mom. Children are hard. They require sacrifices. The Working Mom sacrifices time with children, receives challenges at work for having to go to her children when they need her, and a good majority are also juggling housework. A Stay at home Mom may remove herself from the workforce for a few years or full 18 years or more. There is a certain period of dealing with the “Lost Idenity” from the job, but I like to get out and forge new relationships. The MOMS Club has been a great source of support. Groups of Moms come together to share their experiences–there is a network for Stay at home Moms, they should never feel alone or without connections with adults. Daycare Centers are a full time operation for a reason. A Stay at home Mom becomes playmate, teacher, maid and follower to the little Munchkin. It’s definitely a full time job that I could not understand before kids. I really thought I’d have time to catch up and do things for myself. It doesn’t happen that way.
You’re being very open minded. You understand much more than I did before kids. This is not an attack. I just can’t emphasis how much I realized I really had a different outlook on childrearing before my two came into my life. It’s hard to explain.
Ultimately, Judgement and fear of making the right choices becomes the fuel that has created “the Mommy Wars.” I believe each woman should decide what she wants to do and trust her decision. After time, if it needs revisiting, then don’t hesitate to try other options. There’s no one right answer. Be proud of your decision and don’t take offense to silly remarks.
“She said to me, “some women just love their jobs and want to go back to work after they have kids, it’s so sad, but I guess there are just people like that!”
I’d go the coy route: “Oh, so your husband isn’t going back to work after the kids is born? You two must have a lot of savings!”
[...] we have the All Women Blogging Carnival at SultanaBlog. The Baglady’s article on the “mommy wars” has been included. This article has attracted some very thoughtful and detailed comments that I [...]
//I think women don’t think about the earning potential they are giving up, not to mention the freedom, sense of purpose/identity, and intellectual stimulation you get from a career. They simply think of what’s best for the child NOW.//
That might be true to some but I think it might be underestimating how much some of us SAHMs weigh our choices. In my case it wasn’t about what was best for my child when I made the decision but how having a parent at home in our situation would benefit our children in the long term.
Notice I said, “in our situation.”
I acknowledge that it’s very different for many other women.
We were a low income family but my salary, as small as it was despite working almost full-time, was eaten up in expenses related to work. Aside from money other considerations were a chaotic schedule for my daughter (when you’re low income there’s a greater chance you’re working awful and unstable shifts) and no one on the homefront looking after cleaning, meals, budgets, etc.
Add to that the decision we made to homeschool our kids and being a SAHM became my role.
I would definitely agree with the idea that in can be intelecctually deadly. However, that is within a mom’s control. It took me awhile to figure that out though. Now however I take a history/religion/philosophy course, sing in a choir, research interests on the internet…Lots of stuff to keep boredom at bay. And my kids are getting older and more interesting. Surprisingly I’ve also found that in the role of homemaker I’ve become more confident, free and have a firmer sense of myself then I ever had before.
One thing I’ve wondered though, how much the way modern families are often isolated from relatives can play into the stresses of both working outside the home or being a housewife. I’ve probably had an easier go in part because I have a lot of family around me and so a lot of support.
Regardless, good discussion. I hate the ”Mommy war” label myself and would much rather figure out how we could help each other in the roles we choose.
Some parents are left with no choice. My kids are 6 and 4 now, but when they were 3 and 1, they both developed speech issues. At the time, I was doing daycare out of my home, and had to stop because the parents of the kids I watched forbid their kids to go anywhere in my car. My children were diagnosed and then enrolled in a 2 hour toddler group. My youngest could not attend my older childs class, and vice versa. One day a week hubby had to stay home while I took each one to their class. I had to close my daycare, and now I am still home with both kids! I love it, and we have made sacrifices along the way, but its worth it to make sure they are properly achieving their milestones!
A very good thoughtful post. I don’t have kids yet but definitely plan to work. I think it’s important for me to be a part of the larger world and I am horrible at domestic stuff. Plus, my husband freelances and we need my steady income and health benefits.
I think the mommy wars present an interesting dilemma for money-related bloggers. On the one hand, I noticed that many preach frugality and say it’s better to rely on one income (usually dad works; mom stays home and becomes an excellent coupon clipper). On the other hand, money bloggers preach the benefits of investing at a young age and the value of compounding interest. In other words, if a woman did not drop out of the work force, she will probably save more money just because her money will have more time to increase. So which is it?
It’s not a decision to be made solely on finances of course. I just know that my mom ‘had’ to work and my siblings and I really think she is the best mother in the world even if she was a SAHM.
The thing that annoys me about the “Mommy Wars” is that both sides seem to think they know what’s best for the other. Individual women have different personalities, and their families have different needs. When these women are calling one another’s lives and decision “sad,” what they’re really saying is, “Everyone else is secretly like me and my family.” I think that’s incredibly arrogant (and ignorant) on their part.
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